currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
