yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
