Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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