you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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