oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
