No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
