Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize