Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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