just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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