Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
soo... how was my night?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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