Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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