Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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