woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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