okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize