Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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