Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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