I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
