this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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