so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
