so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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