Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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