I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Randomize
