guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
