if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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