At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
