everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I wear drunk well.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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