I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize