While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
