you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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