3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i believe in u and ur pee
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
