her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
