i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
