Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
