I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
