So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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