I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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