I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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