On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
