I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
