what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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