your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
