I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Success! We fucked roommates!
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