Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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