if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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