Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
