I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
