Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
