Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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