He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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