Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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