hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
