Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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