is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
So many bounce houses so little time
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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