I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
