I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
