i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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