Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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