I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
