i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
