I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
