So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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