Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
