we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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