Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
