Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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