somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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