if i can run in heels then i can drive
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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